Thinkers in Relationships

Although it is often seen as a gift when people think a lot more and feel things more intensely, this can often bring a completely new set of challenges into relationships.

People who feel more intensely and think more deeply than others often hear things such as „You are too sensitive“, „You are too emotional“, „You think too much“ or „You take everything too seriously“…
In a world of superficiality, external portrayal of faked reality and rapid changes in relationships due to digital communication channels such as social media, it seems even more difficult to think more and feel more deeply than others do. These people are clearly the minority and find it particularly difficult to have relationships with partners that do not think and feel similarly. Even if you are surrounded by empathetic people who love you and care for you, it can be lonely and isolating to feel more deeply and think more than other people do.

Some people would claim that they also think a lot and also feel more deeply than others, which is sometimes not easy to assess from the outside. That is why we are now looking at often exhibited personality traits of these people and maybe you will recognize yourself or someone else in them and will be able to either better understand yourself or someone close to you:

• Close observer
• Introvert
• Insatiable reader
• Always eager to learn
• Empathetic
• Reflective
• Sensitive
• Curious
• Intense (as opposed to being carefree)
• Open to different characters
• Feels emotionally drained by a lot of small talk
• Serious
• Reserved
• Emotional

When you witness these character traits in a person, it is also often commonly referred to as a person with pronounced emotional intelligence. Psychologist Daniel Goleman defines emotional intelligence as knowing how we behave and how we approach our relationships on four different levels:

1. Self-Insight: Knowing that we feel and why we are feeling that way
2. Self-Treatment: Being able to manage stressful emotions effectively so that they don’t cripple you
3. Empathy: The understanding and empathy for the feelings of others
4. Bringing the combination of above 3 points into a well-functioning relationship

People who think more and feel more deeply than others have a naturally high level of emotional intelligence.
It gets interesting now with a clinical-psychological examination, which has shown that for every 15 IQ points over 100 in a woman the chance of a marriage decreases by 30%. In men, the opposite is the case, the higher the IQ, the higher the chances of marriage, from a purely statistical point of view. In addition, a study by the Gottman Institute found that marriages in which the male partner has higher emotional intelligence are much less likely to end in divorce. In general, it should be noted that people with high emotional intelligence have happier and healthier relationships, but this can also mean that thinkers experience more difficulty in relationships. There are some good and understandable reasons for this:

The need for deep conversations and strong connections
Not all people have this need and therefore it can already cause difficulties if the need for depth is not bilateral, because the deep thinkers then simply disengage. You cannot deal with trivial, superficial topics and then drop out of the conversation.

Carrying the burden of the world on one’s shoulders
These deep thinkers cannot simply live carefree because of all the troubling thoughts and deep feelings, and the burdens of the world weighing heavily. But it would be important to find a good balance to this heaviness and to be able to put the worries and feelings aside for a few moments. When they watch other people having carefree fun, they also want to participate and then immediately think of all the things that they should be doing instead. This can also cause tension in relationships.

Appear challenging and threatening to others
These people don’t just want to follow the crowd and that can unfortunately have a disruptive effect on their environment. For them it is not about defiantly getting their way, but about thinking independently, mindful of their individuality and integrity. They like to encourage intellectual and emotional reflection, and this can be inappropriate in certain situations and even uncomfortable for certain people.

„Most people would rather die than have to think“ – Bertrand Russell

„To feel“ should also be part of this quote. This „feeling“ makes one supposedly vulnerable and that does not suit many people’s lifestyle, where everything is preferably always supposed to be easy, carefree and superficial.

As humans, deep thinkers are little do-gooders, they want to have a positive impact on the world and on a small scale with individual people in their environment. They are not always easy to handle, but they bring a lot of positive things into a relationship; to see the world through different eyes, to feel more deeply and to see and understand complex connections. And, maybe a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel and think that way can also be a fun change for a deep thinker, as the worries, feelings and thoughts can wait until later.